i wonder

i often wonder what happens
to people that die,
i often wonder what happens
because i wonder if somewhere out there,
you can feel it
when i think about you.
i often wonder whether 
you know when i miss you
even though,
did I know you?
can I miss you?
are you still you?

i don't wonder
whether you would have loved me,
but i do wonder
whether you would have liked me. 
i wonder 
what advice you would have given me,
and i wonder
who i would have been,
if my first memories
weren't of sickness
and
death.

i wonder,
if the sharp pains in my chest
are you reminding me
to notice
everything.
as if
i had a choice.

i wonder,
if the lump in my throat
are the tears
i did not know how to cry
then,
or the ones i am ashamed to cry
now.

i wonder,
if the distance
i place
between myself
and the world
are just the fears that i learned
from you
leaving,
when you said you wouldn't.

i wonder,
if i spend my days turning pages because
learning new things
makes me feel like 
you live on
in me. 

i wonder,
just to wonder,
just to wonder.

i wonder,
because there's nothing i can do,
but to wonder.